This was a "letter from Optimus Prime" I wrote and posted in the thread on TFW2005 on January 1st, 2014:
Ahoy, greetings and many
salutations! Optimus here, for those of you who don’t remember me (that was
merely a formality. Of course you remember me). For this fine New Year I
thought it prudent to reach out and attempt to make contact with friends I made
in Knockora-Offina, a miraculously dismal time of my life I cherish, yet long
to forget. You might be curious as to what I’ve been up to lately (and if
you’re not, that’s cool too. Not everyone is as awesome as I am).
Where to start, where to start…I know
it seemed that Megsy and I went through the Blue Hole to certain doom, and you
wouldn’t be all wrong! While he went back to the old universe to be reformatted
into Galvatron by Unicron, I found myself floating in the blueberry
custard-like atmosphere of the Allspark. I ran into several familiar faces,
most of which I sent to their deaths in my early days of being a Prime (and
might I say it was good to see them with their faces since the last time we met
that was a part of their body most of them were severely lacking). Some
shrugged at my appearance, going about their afterlife with utter ambivalence,
others were mighty surprised I joined them in death and a select few thought it
necessary to get in my face and remind me that I was the reason for their demise.
When my customary defense mechanism of picking out the most obvious thing about
them to poke fun of failed, fisticuffs ensued and I found myself in Allspark
jail. That’s right my friends, the Allspark has a jail! I never in a million
years thought the Allspark would have a jail. That would be like Chick-Fil-A
making Tracks their poster child. But I digress.
How did myself, a PRIME of all
people, find himself in Allspark Jail, you might ask? Well as the old saying
goes; “Primus ain’t don’t play favorites with no bots.” I’m not sure who
exactly said that, but that quote and his legend has been passed down for
generations. That same person also had some quite nice things to say about the
Decepticon holiday Tronza and is rumored to have drunk a bottle of rust every
night to stave off Cybercrosis. Supposedly he died of Cybercrosis. But that’s
neither here nor there.
During my tenure in Allspark
jail I befriended a very young very dead Autobot named Shortf*** (apparently I
gave him this nickname during a time I “accidentally” ingested several
different types of circuit boosters) who claimed he had been unfairly
imprisoned for quite some time, for reasons he had a hard time explaining. In
fact come to think of it, each time he tried to explain it, his story changed
dramatically. But anyway, I took it upon myself to right this abominable wrong
done to poor Shortf***, though to be honest I selfishly thought this good deed
would cut my incarceration time considerably. To make a short story only
slightly shorter, I incited a prison riot. A bad one too. Naked inmates
huddling in fear, the glint of shivs catching the corner of my optic at every
turn…the feces…oh the bountiful feces…once things settled down I learned that
Shortf*** was actually a Decepticon who got thrown into prison for
impersonating Primus himself in an emboldened attempt to rummage around in a
fembot’s casing in which he fancied. Shortly after the realization hit me that
the riot I started may not have been for the best of purposes, I slipped away since
it turns out Allspark Jail is really poorly designed and anyone can really walk
right out anytime they please.
With my half hour of hard time behind me, I set
forth to explore the Allspark with renewed vigor. Most of it is nice, like I
said it feels like blueberry custard and it smells like a rich concoction of
pine needles and Suave Men’s Shampoo. The standard kind, not with any dandruff
control or anything like that. Point is, the place is nice. Most of it anyway.
Once you cross the train tracks it’s a whole other story. A lot of the junkies
and hobos that populated the old Dead End slums back on Cybertron died without
straightening themselves out, and they end up doing the exact same thing after
death as they did in life. It’s tragic in a REALLY hilarious kind of way.
There’s also the guys who die and get bored of all the perfection and decide to
live on the other side of the train tracks just…because. Not me though. I took
one look at the inhabitants of the Allspark slums…the guys sitting there jacking
on, out of their minds, performing unspeakable acts for their next fix (there
was this little yellow guy using these “special fingers” for acts other than
their intended use if you know what I mean)…it was depressing. Optimus Prime is
not one beholden to depression. So I got the hell out of there, back to
blueberry custard and pine needles soaked in Suave. The next thing I remember,
I was blinded by this super bright light and I was staring at Sky Lynx, acting
like we were best friends as usual, and there was this Quintesson who
supposedly brought be back to life in the old dimension. I gotta tell you, I
was a little perturbed by the sheer audacity they displayed by taking me away
from a comfortable death only to tell me Hot Rod (sorry…Rodimus…blah blah blah)
f***ed up (big surprise) and I needed to save the universe from some Hate
Plague. It goes without saying that I saved the day. It was awesome. Everyone
thought Hot Rod (I’m just calling him that. Get over it.) was the only one who
could open up the Matrix but I did it too. They were all like “Woah! Optimus
can open the Matrix too, that’s super awesome and we love Optimus, Hot Rod is a
total douche”! You should have seen it. Legen-f***ing-dary. After that was done
and over with I commandeered a hot tub, made Hot Rod be my towel boy and in the
back of my mind realized the situation seemed REALLY familiar, like I had done
it several times before, somewhere else (once I was brought back to life I
didn’t remember any thing that happened in Knockora-Offina since it was
supposed to be overwritten. I probably should have reminded you of that earlier
but it didn’t seem important until I realized it probably was).
It was a
little while after that I learned Japanese then died again while we were all
trying to regulate Vector Sigma with Matrix energy and I returned back here to
the Allspark, happy as a clam. It was then that I remembered my time in
Knockora-Offina and almost wished I could go back there. But this place is too
nice. Take a bath in pine needles and Suave then immediately soak in blueberry
custard and you’ll know what I mean. That pretty much brings you up to speed
with me, though the timelines may seem a little skewed and exaggerated I assure
you I wouldn’t lie to you. Ever. Maybe once. But this isn’t that one time. One
last thing, if you see Hot Rod around tell him he’s a douche for me. We made
amends but he’s still a douche. Seriously, tell him that Optimus says you’re a
douche. He’ll totally laugh. If he doesn’t laugh just say it louder and louder
until he does. I better go, I hear Shortf*** escaped too and I should probably
help bring him to justice before I get anyone else at the prison killed. Have a
f***ing awesome New Year and never pass up the opportunity to get in a hot tub,
you can’t take one with you when you die.
Sincerely,
Optimus Prime
(The BEST Prime)
PS: Don’t forget. Blueberry custard with pine needles and
Suave. Hot Rod’s a douche. Get in a hot tub. You’re welcome.
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